


Sweet dreams were made of this

by Patatarte



Series: The Cow Crew [24]
Category: cowchop, fakechop - Fandom
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, death of lots of people, pretty much all cowchop and a lot of the creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-30 23:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12119124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patatarte/pseuds/Patatarte
Summary: Aleks is trapped in a nightmare, or is it really a nightmare ?He doesn't even know anymore but he can taste blood.





	1. Who am I to disagree

He dreams of the sea, swimming in clear water and going down and down until the water gets cold and dark. It’s not too bad when a parade of bioluminescent fishs and other creatures swims around him.

He loves it here, it feels good, calm.

Bottles of alcohol drops near him, slowly disapearing into the darkness, pills passes by and he can tell their name and their effects, can almost feel them on his tongue.

His body feels heavier and his feets finaly touch the ground. It’s flat, cold and shiny like metal. A shy blue light similar to a halo circles where he stands. Everything is quiet, the fishs swim lazily above and he watches them, smilling.

A smooth light appears near him and he sees someone from another life, someone he almost forgot. Blond flowy air, blue eyes that seem so tired, that face that barely cracked a smile. Aleks wonders why he’s dreaming of him of all people, and the other shrugs like a response to the question. Aleks missed him, but knows he’s dreaming.

That old friend, an old prankster creature known as Seamus, moves his arm, invites Aleks to follow him, the sea blurring his silhouette as he walks away. The russian doesn’t hesitate, walks as fast as he can to be side to side with him.

Walking is easy, he weights nothing right now, floating like he’s on the surface of the moon. His friend has an aura of light around him, he’s warm as well, it feels reassuring. Aleks trusts him.

A laugh breaks the silence, it’s from nowhere and everywhere at once. It’s a long laugh of another old friend he used to live with. A sly man with a warm heart. Aleks wants to see him, wants to talk and laugh like they used to.

“That’s fucked up” is Aron voice echoing from nowhere, and Aleks is sure there’s eyes in the darkness watching them walk an inexistent hallway.

Seamus is still walking, slowly, unaffected and Aleks only realizes that his friend is wearing white, full white, no shoes, something that is not from his memory at all. He looks like a really sad angel.

When he finaly stops, Seamus turns around and shows a door. The inside is dark like everything else and Aleks doesn’t want to go in without him, but the sudden smile of his old friend gives him the strengh of a fool.

A light turns on as soon as he’s inside, showing a pedestal with a red cap on it. He wants to hold it, as an old reminder of what he left behind, but he stops when he hears droplets.

Is he still in the sea ? Maybe, nothing is real anyways.

The droplets are falling on the cap, making the pedestal turns red, sticky red droplets that Aleks knows too well. Blood is falling from a ceiling that doesn’t even exists. He looks up and there’s nothing but darkness, even the light comes from nowhere.

Many laughs surround him, and he recognizes them all.

It’s strange how warm laughs and memories can turn into a nightmare, can make your blood turns cold and your guts hurt. It’s painful, he wants to see them all again.

But his eyes are still on the cap, watching the droplets cover it with a shiny layer. The noise of each droplet grows louder and louder until he can’t take it anymore and grabs the hat.

The room turns black and he hears James screams, it makes him jump of surprise and his feels nauseous because it’s a sound he’ll never forget. James screamed that way the day where he got shot the first time, the day they all thought he’d die. It makes him shivers.

“What are you doing, Aleks ?” it’s Brett’s voice behind him, calm, reassuring.

Aleks turns so fast but there’s nothing, the man isn’t here to help him. He starts feeling truly anxious, his muscles are not doing what he wants them to. He feels like it’ll all go to hell again. It’s another nightmare that will haunt him all day.

He’s so tired of them.

“…The traffic is okay, follow the blue car. He’s on the phone so you’re fine…”

The darkness is lit by a dim light, a muffled voice talks through it. There’s an astronaut floating and talking with a monotonous voice.

“Asher ?” Aleks asks, walking small steps toward him.

The man has his back turned to him, but the voice can only be his. He’s talking about an old mission Aleks doesn’t remember clearly. It was something boring for all he knows.

“…Yeah, the weather is shit. Even internet is slow. James wants to know if you will be back for lunch or not. I think he forgot his wallet again…”

Aleks is getting close to him, reaching to grab his arm and makes him turn. He feels like it’s a bad idea, some cliché he saw too much in movies, but he has to do it.

“Fuck !” He screams because inside the suit there’s a dead Asher, a bullet wound in the eye, his face almost distorded. A nightmare fuel.

Aleks falls, his heart is trying to escape his body. That’s an image he’ll have a lot of trouble forgetting. He’s bracing himself, reassuring himself that it’s a stupid nightmare, nothing is true, Asher is fine and probably hacking or playing video game in his flat.

As he tries to imagine that to calm his mind, thunder and lightning take place, loud and powerful, shaking the floor and his body.

In that darkness were hidden faces. Giant faces. So big that Aleks is barely taller than one giant’s eye. They are all around him, forming a circle. But the worst part being that he knows those faces, they are the crew members.

They have their eyes closed, looking dead, pale, bruised.

Aleks closes his eyes, he had enough, he wants to wake up now, he had enough, please let him wake up, please, just let him open his eyes on his bed, let him be happy and careless, please, he doesn’t deserve that !

“Open your eyes” it’s Joe’s voice, warm but way too loud.

Aleks is screaming, fists against his eyes, he doesn’t want that nightmare, he just want to sleep and get some rest !

“Come on, dude” Trevor now. His voice makes Aleks’ mind shake.

“No ! Leave me alone !”

“Come on, fucker.” This time it sounds normal, like a normal sized person and not a giant. Also it’s James’ voice, and Aleks opens his eyes to him.

His friend is standing in a dark rainy street, angry. Aleks notices the gun in his hand, the bold moves he makes with it. The rain is so cold it makes him shiver, it feels so real, is it ?

“What the fuck is going on ?” he asks, frowning, confused.

“I’m gonna tell you what’s going on.” James shakes the gun in his direction, truly pissed off. “You are a fucking drug addict, that’s what is going on ! You fucked up all of us !”

“What ?”

James grunts, trying really hard to control himself as he kicks a trash nearby. Aleks feels powerless, a bit scared by the loud voice for once.

“You think I want to deal with this shit ?!”

“James, where are we ?”

James looks at him like he’s a complete idiot, like he’s a fucking nothing that he even regrets calling a friend. Aleks feels awful, like he disapointed the world, he feels like a kid and it makes him ill to be so pathetic.

“All those fucking drugs, sniffing, pills, all that shit, why taking those ?”

“It…it felt good.” At one point. Now it’s an obsession that turns dreams into nightmares.

“…And does it feel good now, knowing that you destroyed the crew ?”

“What ?”

James has enough, he’s at Aleks’ feet in a second and punches him really hard, making him fall in the trash bags.

“YOU DESTROYED IT ALL ! YOU FUCKER, I TRUSTED YOU !”

A kick in his stomach and Aleks can’t breathe, wants to puke but can’t move, can’t do shit but look scared as his friend lets his rage flows.

“They are all gone ! All !”

James falls on his knees, grabs Aleks by the collar and punches him again and again until his knuckles are red, but Aleks can’t tell which blood is on them. His, probably, but he doesn’t feel anything but pain in his stomach and confusion blurring his thoughts.

“They were my friend, my family ! You made them die !”

He doesn’t get it, because why on earth would Aleks hurt them, the crew is his family as well ! Messing with them of course, but never hurting them, never consciously.

“What happened ?” is all he can ask, weakly.

James’ fist is above him, ready to punch again, but he stops. He looks as confused as Aleks right now.

“You don’t remember at all.”

It’s not even a question. James is defeated, lost all his rage.

“What happened, James ?”

James drops next to him, his back against a dirty wall, rain messing with his hair and his face. Sadness doesn’t look good on him. He crosses his legs, grabs his ankles to find support.

“You fucked up. You messed with the wrong peoples.” One hand goes to his face, hidding it. “They found Asher and drowned him, you don’t remember that ? The body on the fucking news ? I do. I can’t forget that.”

“Asher is…?”

“Then Anna disappeared” James ignores him, wanting to finish the story quickly. “You were gone as well and we searched you both, but only found you. I just hope she’s safe somewhere and not in a fucking ditch”

Aleks can’t even find the strength to sit, the rain is so cold and he can’t even believe what James is telling him, it’s impossible.

“You kept sniffing and taking drugs like a fucking coward while Jakob and Trevor decided to go in Canada for a while. At least it’s what they wrote on the note they left us. No fucking news on their end either.”

James sounds like he’s crying, but it’s hard to tell with his hand in front on his face. Not that Aleks wants to see, nobody wants to see him cry.

“No fucking allies wanted to help, Brett and I tried everything ! We decided to abandon the city. Lindsey took our dogs, and she’s the only one that seems okay so far. Like… I forced you to come in a car with us. Joe, Brett and I. But these fucker followed us, okay ? They knew. How, I don’t fucking know.”

He sounds angry now, desesperate maybe ? He talks through gritted teeth, scratching his own face, wanting to get rid of that fucking flesh.

“You were in the back of the car with Joe.” He stops a second, trying to keep down a sob. “They got him right through the head. Should have be me. He wanted to drive and I said no.”

Aleks feels like the nightmare never ends, he can almost imagine everything, or remember ? he doesn’t fucking know what’s going on, it’s like an alternate reality.

“We…Brett opened the window and shot a riffle, I never saw him that mad, he got shot in the arm but kept shooting until they finaly abandonned.”

James takes the gun out of his pocket, looks at it, eyes suddenly empty.

“He made me stop the car and walked away. I tried to make him come back but he threatened to shot me. I…Just…I don’t know what happened to him. I couldn’t insist, Joe was in the car and…You were there too, I couldn’t let you two like that.”

His voice sounds far away, like he’s even out of himself, he doesn’t believe his own story. He draws a circle on the floor with the gun, the rain is so cold. Everything is so cold.

“We made it to the next city. I…I had to bury Joe. I…I couldn’t even recognize him.”

Aleks sees the tears, he can’t hide it with rain. James is destroyed.

“Everything we…I imagined us dying in an explosion, you know ? Something big, no pain, a big bang. Not like that. Not like that…”

The russian doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to feel. Rather, he doesn’t know which feeling he wants to put forward, he feels everything at once.

“I don’t fucking know what to do, man. You were like a fucking zombie, and…I can’t start over, I can’t.”

They stay silent for a long time, Aleks closing his eyes and hearing soft sobs from his friend. When it stops, Aleks feels hands on him. He opens his eyes again and sees James holding him, helping him to sit.

Aleks feels cold metal in his hand and watches down. James gave him his gun. They look at each other, confusion and empty resolution. The rage and flame that always were in James’ eye aren’t anymore. Aleks can feel the warmth of James’ hand, the cold of the rain, his breathing.

James moves Aleks’ hand to his forehead where dark hairs escaped his bun, moving his finger to the trigger. Aleks can’t move, feel so out of himself, like he’s just watching the scene, not being a part of it. He wants to scream, he wants to punch James to reason. But if what he said is true, the reason can’t do shit, isn’t it ?

“It’ll be okay” James says to himself, feeling like he lost Aleks a while ago to the drugs anyways.

Aleks is shaking, fingers trembling around James’, he doesn’t feel like he can do anything anymore.

“We’ll be okay.”


	2. The day after the rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wakes up and wished he did not.

“It’ll be okay” James says to himself.

Aleks is shaking, fingers trembling around James’, he doesn’t feel like he can do anything anymore.

“We’ll be okay.”

He feels James finger getting tighter on the trigger but when he’s supposed to hear the bang, he wakes up. He’s sweaty and shaking, his window is open and rain is falling on him. His first instinct is to watch around him if James is here, he’s looking for blood but only find the magnum he usualy keeps under his pillow, and the weapon is in his hands.

The weapon falls on the blanket and the lack of sound disturbs the man for some reasons, he doesn’t really hear the rain either. It doesn’t feel real, nothing feels real. He starts sobbing, unable to whipe the tears because his hands are too shaky.

That nightmare fucked him up.

He had many, hell, he has more and more these days, but this one was too close to reality, too fucking inescapable. They all died or disappeared, and he…remembered the details inside a dream. His stomach heaves and he wants to puke but doesn’t, he doesn’t even remember if he ate anything the night before.

Even if he never saw drowned Asher in the dream, he can remember a pale body out of a river, he remembers things that aren’t even true. It’s not true, isn’t it ? Is it ?

Panic takes over, he tries to calm himself by balancing his body, bracing himself. He feels pathetic these days. Is he remembering the past or is it really just a nightmare going too far ?

A clock shows that it’s 3am, the rain is still falling on his bed but he doesn’t move to close the window, can’t. His eyes stop on an empty glass of water and a bag of colored pills. He used to like them, but now he despises that shit, it’s killing him and he knows it ! He just can’t stop.

He wonders how the others deal with the criminal life. Like, the death part of it. They never really talked about it, only Brett sometimes, only when he’s drunk. James never seemed to care about anyone but the crew, so it doesn’t affect him that much he once said. But the others ? Trevor looks dead inside since the begining so it’s not an after effect, Asher doesn’t seem to care too much either, Anna found her reasons, Joe ignores the question with a smile, Jakob doesn’t talk about it.

But Aleks…Well, he used to think that doing anything for the crew was a good reason, that sometimes you kill people that are not always assholes. It happens. But when he’s alone and sleeping, he sees faces, hears screams, smell blood.

He started drugs as a fun thing during the day, but took them as medicine at night.

His fingers tremble but find his phone somewhere under the covers, there’s one text from Joe talking about nice pasta he had with this new girl he’s firting with. Aleks can’t help but feel envious and that envy makes him feel sick, because Joe deserves good things, unlike him.

Wait, Joe is alive ?

He shakes his head, having vague memories of the nice man with a hole in his skull, blood everywhere, James and Brett panicking and screaming. The sadness of James when Brett left, talking to them both, two dead guys.

He needs to call Brett.

After a little trouble, he dials Brett’s number but nobody answers. Calling again, and again, and again, until Brett’s voice is heard, wanting to sound annoyed but slightly concerned.

“Aleks, it’s 3am, what’s going on ?”

Aleks realizes he doesn’t know what to say, he’s sobbing on the phone like a fucking baby. He just thinks that Brett is here, he hasn’t left, he’ll help, he has to believe it.

“Buddy, you okay ?” Brett sounds truly concerned know, he never heard Aleks cries. Sure he saw him cry after being pepper sprayed and some other shit, but he never heard sadness and despair.

The Russian is holding the phone like his life depends of it, he feels awful. Brett’s voice should be enough to tell him it’s alright, all is okay, it was a nightmare. But no, Aleks feels like he’s listening to an old voice, like it’s something he used to hear, something that isn’t anymore. He fucked up, he’s fucked up.

“Hey, Aleks, where are you ? Are you okay ?” It sounds calm, but Brett is far from being calm.

“I…I fucked up, Brett. I can’t…I don’t know what to do”

“It’s okay, buddy, where are you ?”

“My place.”

“What is going on ?”

Aleks sobs again, he knows he should have told earlier, and he kinda did ! It was all under jokes, haha yeah I look like shit today because I got nightmares. Yeah I snorted medicine, it made it worse ! Haha, yeah bad luck on me right ?

“I had nightmares.” God he sounds so pathetic, he wants to disappear.

“You tried to smoke a little ? It can help” Brett offers, and it makes Aleks almost laugh, the irony.

“You know it makes it worse. I don’t know what’s real, Brett”

That’s all the man needed to understand what the situation is. He’s moving, Aleks can hear him, the car keys, the door, the car…He’s still on the phone, talking about nothing, mostly his succulents and what he sees on the road.

Aleks is thanksful for that, kind of. It makes his mind focus on stupid things, but sometimes he stops listening and sees James shaddow in his mirror, looking betrayed. When his attention is back on Brett’s voice, it sounds like Trevor for a second and it makes him sick.

“Open the gate, I’m here” The muscle man has to repeat that three times, slowly, before Aleks eventualy moves.

And it’s a real pain to get out of his bed. His legs are shaking, his whole body is shaking but he manages to do it, even opening his door before the man arrives, not feeling strong enough to stand for too long.

Then he’s waiting, trying not to drown himself into some weird demons, but just waiting for Brett to arrives, panicking when it’s not fast enough. He feels like a dog waiting for its owner, and maybe it’s not that far from his reality.

When Brett shows up, Aleks feels even more awful because he made his friend stress, as if his job isn’t stressful enough. Brett’s hair are messy, and most of his clothes are “convenient pajamas”, like he once said. He came here as fast as possible.

“Hey, sit down, it’s okay” he sounds like a doctor, a mom, a brother. His moves are slow to not trigger the younger.

Aleks lets himself fall on the floor and cries even more, he asked for help but doesn’t understand why he’s getting it. He’s fucking weak, he wasn’t strong at the start, was barely mediocre at his best and now he’s awful. He doesn’t deserve attention and kindness.

“Hey, hey, hey, buddy, it’s alright, I’m here.”

Big arms help him stand up and walks him to his bed before stopping. The bed is wet, rain fell on it for a while. Brett closes the window and walks him to his couch. Aleks pukes on his carpet, shakes and sweats even more. Brett gives him water and says he’ll call Lindsey.

“No !” is all Aleks says, eyes puffy and big, fears in them.

“She knows more than I do, you need help.”

“No, please don’t call her, don’t, it’ll be alright, I promise !”

Aleks doesn’t want someone else to see him that weak. Brett is enough, really. He always tried his hardest to impress the man, to make him think he was a good and important member of the crew when it’s all bullshit. He doesn’t want someone else to see his true face.

“Okay. It’s okay, I won’t call her now. But if it goes any worst I call her, is it fine ?”

He nods, because he can’t go against Brett that much. Suddenly there’s a blanket on his shoulders, another glass of water in front of him and a warm hand on his back. He doesn’t remember that much kindness in a long time.

“I’m so fucked up, Brett. I’m so sorry”

He’s sure that soon, he’ll be kicked on the streets. What can he do ? He’s useless at everything but criminal activities, and it’s not even his forte. Asher is on his way to be better than him. He doesn’t have a place in the crew, he never really had.

“It’s okay, it happens. I lived that too.” Brett’s voice is quiet, it’s not something he likes to remember, but he can’t deny that it’s the same for Aleks right now.

“It was so true. It looked so true.” Closing his eyes gives him vision of James in that dark street.

“It’s okay, you are awake now, I’m here”

“Are you really ?” his question is heartbreaking, and Brett would love to be somewhere else, but he has to deal with the Russian.

He doesn’t really know how to prove that he’s real, his hand keeps brushing Aleks’ back to reassure him, his other pats his knee for a second, awkward. The muscular man clears his throat and stands for a second, looking around to find the remote of the TV. They need something to watch.

It’s a police show, where the good cops are killing evil criminals. Aleks tears the remote out of Brett’s hand and turns it off, throwing it on the floor.

“You wanna talk ?” is all Brett has left, he doesn’t know what to do.

“The crew died. Because of me. Because I’m a failure.” The older opens his mouth to contradict but Aleks doesn’t let him the time to. “Asher and Joe died, the other we don’t even fucking know…No, Asher, Joe and James died ! I killed James. He wanted me to…But you came back, James could be alive. Wait, is he ?”

Brett doesn’t say a word for a good minute, confused and not knowing how to deal with what he heard. He sits on the small table in front of Aleks, making him look right into his eyes.

“Hey, listen to me. I’m the voice of reason, you trust me ?”

“Always.” He doesn’t even hesitate in his answer.

“Okay. So listen. Asher is in the warehouse right now, he downloaded a game illegaly and he’s probably going to play it all night and sleep on the couch again. He’s truly alive and as sneaky and monotonous as ever.” He smiles, and Aleks frowns slightly. “Joe is with his girlfriend, I don’t know if he’s at her place or she’s at his, but he’s alive and well. He loved the pastas.” As a proof he shows him the text Joe probably sent to everyone. “Anna is with her boyfriend and her cat for all I know, and I ate in a restaurant with Lindsey tonight. It was really good, if you wondered.” Aleks nods, but he’s still nervous about the others. “James went to the theater with Jakob and Trevor, they even ranted on twitter about how much they disliked it, you can look it up. It was some awful movie…Uh emoji something ? Waste of time and money, really.”

Aleks looks at him, he doesn’t fully realize the situation, but drinks the words anyways.

“Look. We are all fine, it’s just another day. Nothing killed us, you did not fuck the crew over, it’s only the drugs messing with your head, okay ? You just need rest and no drugs for a while.”

The Russian shakes his head, the thought of not being able to take his personnal anti-nightmares medicine is making him feels uneasy.

“Do you have music ? You focus on it and let sleep comes to you.”

“It doesn’t help.”

Of course it doesn’t. That would be too easy.

“When I close my eyes…They’re here.”

“Who ?”

Aleks doesn’t answer, getting his feet on the couch, almost disappearing in the blanket. Brett decides to badly sing some old metal song, just so it’s not silent.

“If I fall asleep, will you stay ?” Aleks cuts him, his eyes are slowly closing.

“Sure, buddy.” He pats his shoulder, and feels like he needs to add a little joke “I’m not your dad, you know.”

“Pretend you are.” he’s almost pleading.

The silence stays for too many seconds, and Brett just resumes his singing, not wanting to continue that discussion.

After a long time, Aleks falls asleep. He’s shaking and complaining in his sleep and Brett fights against his own tiredness to shake his shoulder slightly everytime, and it seems to work at least a little. Two more times Aleks wakes up and Brett has to reassure him that things are okay, but it goes a bit better than expected. It’s not perfect, can’t be, but it’s something.

In the morning, Brett fell asleep on a chair, legs on the small table. His nose wrinckles when his phone rings and when he smells gross puke. He forgot to clean it up. Aleks is on his phone as well, dark circles under his eyes, he’s probably awake since a while.

It’s James calling, because they have a deal to make, something important he forgot. Fuck. They talk a little and Brett says he’ll arrive soon, not mentionning Aleks at all.

“I can drive you to the hospital, Lindsey will take care of you. Or you come to the warehouse with me.” He sees Aleks trying to argue. “No, you will not stay here alone.”

When Aleks doesn’t give an answer, Brett decides for him. He’ll take him to the warehouse. Maybe seeing his friends alive will make him feel better, and dogs are good for the mood too. He hopes. They’ll see.

Aleks made the first step, a small step.

That step is unsure when they arrive at the place, because Aleks looks like he’s seeing spirits, or like he’s watching the sadest movie ever. He barely holds together and Brett has a hard time telling the others not to mind it.

Aleks can’t even look at James without wanting to say sorry to him for what happened. He knows it’s not real, he realized that, but he can’t help but feel awful and sad, like…It happened somehow anyways. Like he truly saw his friend destroyed by sadness asking him to make him free.

Fuck, it’ll take a lot of time to get better. Is it worth it ? Will they stay on his side ? They barely were to begin with, he’s sure…

He’d kill for a pill to forget all, but a pill killed them all once already.


End file.
